As humans, we have the free will to choose what we want to do in any given situation, but every choice we make is restrained by our desires. And we cannot choose our desires.

I first heard this at a message in Crusade a few months ago. I found it brilliant. And the more I think about this, the more brilliant it seems.

Warning: I just reread all of this, and it’s a little bit boring and all over the place. Haha.

I chose to take a shower this morning, because I had inside of me the desire to not smell, and I had inside of me the desire to be clean. I chose to walk to the Dairy Bar to eat ice cream today, because I had inside of me the desire to fulfill my craving for ice cream, and I had inside of me the desire to hang out with friends. I chose to wear this shirt, I chose to type this post, I chose to initiate conversation to a friend at lunch, because of some desire. At one point, I chose to come to college. At one point, I chose to gamble. At one point, I chose to join high school water polo. And every single one of those choices is a direct result of my desires.

So where do these desires come from? I shall use the example of my love for music.

When I was six, my parents signed me up for piano lessons. That was out of my control. It happened to be that this teacher was a very good teacher. That was out of my control. In fact, when I wanted to quit two years later, they wouldn’t let me. When I was twelve, my friend asked me to join jazz camp, and I wanted to be a good friend, so I did. I wanted to be a good friend, because I did not want to be seen as a loser who did not have many friends. This was largely a result of various things I have witnessed. I saw the sadness in those who were picked last when we were choosing teams for basketball in elementary school, and I saw Woody’s sadness when many of his toy friends and Andy seemed to abandon him for Buzz in Toy Story. I did not choose to witness such things, but these scenes have given my mind the desire not to be a loner. Essentially, I have this desire to this day not to be a loner, largely through experiences out of my control. Basically, I joined jazz camp out of my control. Also when I was twelve, I admired people at church who could improvise on piano, so I tried to learn how. This was largely a result of a desire for recognition and respect, because I saw how many people frequently recognized and respected those who could improvise on piano. Ultimately, I learned how to improvise on piano, but it was out of my control.

I recognize that the previous paragraph has a bunch of tangents, but the purpose was to show that these experiences listed above created in me a musical talent, and this was out of my control. The more I played, the more I came to appreciate music, and the more I loved music. In high school, I discovered a joy in recording and in jamming. This further increased the love for music. Ultimately, today I have a love for music, and I’m not exactly sure where it came from, but many of its roots can be stemmed to experiences out of my control. I know for certain that I did not choose to love music. It simply came to be.

Here’s another example. How do we fall in love with people? And can we choose to fall in love? The following is a realistic yet hypothetical situation. It just so happened that the first day of middle school, Boy A dropped his books on the ground, and I helped pick up his books because I didn’t want to be portrayed as rude, and this and further accidental encounters allowed Boy A and I to be friends. I did not look at series of photos in the yearbook and decide to befriend Boy A. That was out of my control. Also, it happened that Girl A was sitting next to me in my math class, and she doodled such a good picture that I could not help but to compliment her on it after class. This and further accidental encounters allowed Girl A and I to be friends. Eventually, due to certain traits in Girl A, Boy A developed a crush on Girl A and asked me to hook them up. I did and witnessed a very grand old time between the two. This, along with millions of other accidental encounters, along with dozens of romantic movies, I was left with the impression that falling in love is good and exciting. I did not control any of these factors that led me to conclude with this belief. Let’s say that belief has developed in me.

In addition, certain experiences (whether they be conversations or movies or encounters) have left strong impressions of certain personality or physical traits, and these traits are subconsciously deemed to be attractive. Ultimately, I did not choose to go through any of those experiences. And because I believe that falling in love is good and exciting (refer to former paragraph), I pursue it, and I am also somewhat bounded by those traits that I find attractive. When I come across a person who possesses these traits, and at the moment I am pursuing such a feeling, I cannot help but to fall in love. Or if love is too big of a word, I cannot help but to be infatuated. Nevertheless, all of this is to say that I don’t believe we choose to fall in love. Falling in love is something out of our control (Note: When we restrain the feeling to fall in love, it does not mean that we don’t have the desire to fall in love anymore. That desire is still there, but we refuse to fall in love because we have another desire stronger than the falling-in-love desire, and this desire, whatever it is, dominates the decision-making).

Here is a diagram to illustrate my point.

Encounters/Experiences –> Desires –> Decisions

What does this mean? Ultimately, every single choice we make is the result of random experiences and encounters. What does this mean for a Christian? Ultimately, every single choice we make is the result of God. Makes God look pretty big, I must say.

Job 23:13
“But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does.”

Proverbs 16:9
“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Proverbs 12:1
“The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will.”

1 Corinthians 15:10
“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.”

Every good action that we take is not of ourselves but of God. One cannot even attempt to “pay God back” because it is because of God that we are able to do anything at all. One cannot build true worth on accomplishments or deeds because all of them came to be because of God. One cannot rightfully look down on another, because it is by God’s grace that we are who we are.

Hoho I have some patching up to do. I mean. God has some patching up to do.

– Larry