So I’ve been thinking about this issue the past three years or so. On and off. And I’m going to make an attempt to bring everything that I have learned and random thoughts concerning the issue together. Because I just like sorting such things out through words. My mom says that it’s one thing sorting all of these things out in logical ways, but reality isn’t like that. Reality isn’t formulaic. Well. I’ll worry about that later.

By the way, there’s this site called iminlikewithyou.com, that I was slightly addicted to in high school.

Okay. This is the issue. What does it mean to like someone? And what does it mean to love someone? And what’s the difference? Or even, what’s the similarity? And this, of course, is referring to a dating or marriage relationship. I’m going to present a theory that I don’t even know if I believe yet. But I think I might.

First off, definitions. I think that “like” and “love” have been so individually defined that they have lost their meaning. Words without meaning are meaningless, so I’m going to try to define them. Let’s start with “like.” People value qualities. Such qualities include honesty, charisma, humor, and looks. There are also what I like to call spectral qualities, for example, the introverted-extroverted quality. Different people fall on different spots on this spectrum, and some spots are more admired than other spots. So the thing is that different people value different qualities. Or, in a more relativistic sense, different people value different qualities more than other different qualities. Perhaps because they possess those better qualities, or perhaps because they lack those better qualities. I don’t know. But people value certain qualities or spots on quality spectrums. So. When a person comes along possessing many of these valued qualities and such, that person is valued as well. I think that is what “like” is. “Like” is the valuing of a person because of a person’s qualities.

Now hold your horses, Larry. That doesn’t sound romantic at all. But I think that’s the point. I thought about this definition of “like” for a while and I can’t figure out how to improve it. I think people like to sugarcoat this language, so they say stuff like “oh we match each other so well” when in reality it’s that the person’s qualities happen to be the qualities that the liker admires most. Which is basically what they’re saying.

And I believe that this explains a lot of today’s teenage liking phenomenon. When a guy says he loves a girl one day but not the next day, I think what he really means is that he likes a girl one day but not the next day. That means on the first day, he admired certain qualities, and the girl possessed those qualities. On the next day, either he no longer admired those certain qualities, or the girl no longer possessed those qualities. Or maybe she possessed less of them, or maybe he got the impression she possessed less of them, or those qualities in the girl are less apparent now, or maybe he confused certain qualities together, or whatever. And this could occur because the two have not seen each for a while, or maybe there was miscommunication, or maybe the guy wasn’t mature enough to solidify his admirable qualities, or whatever. The point is, I think that definition works.

Now. What is love? Pastor John Piper says, “Love is the overflow of joy in God which meets the needs of others.” I haven’t found a definition that I like better. I’d like to focus on this idea that love meets the needs of others. What happens in a meeting? Two things come together. There is love. And there is need. And they come together. And in this context, they match. I think that one loves to match the need of another. Guy needs. Girl loves. Girl needs. Guy loves.

Then compare that with the definition of “like,” the valuing of a person because of a person’s qualities. Love, in this sense, is the exact opposite. What do I mean? Why, let me tell you what I mean. For one thing, there is nothing admirable about a needy person. Some find it a turn-off. Secondly, in a love relationship, there is no talk of a person’s qualities. One simply loves. I might even go the distance and say that love is the valuing of a person despite a person’s qualities.

So that’s settled. Like is the valuing of a person because of a person’s qualities. Love is the valuing of a person despite a person’s qualities. Now, let’s start with like again. How does one value a person when that person possesses valued qualities? That’s a funny question. How can anyone NOT value a person when that person possessed valued qualities? Valuing a person when that person possesses valued qualities is the natural progression. There is no “how.” In other words, liking somebody is incontrollable. On to love. How does one value a person irrelevant of a person’s qualities or perhaps despite certain qualities? It’s not natural, or, in other words, it is controllable. Or in other words, love is a choice. After all, the infamous 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Love is hard. Love is sacrifice. Love is laying down one’s life.

When two marry, they love each other for better or for worse. Both partners are to constantly make that choice to love each other until death do its part. The liking comes and goes, but they gotta constantly love each other. Love is the key to marriage. I think that anytime they actually “like” each other, it’s a gift of God.

Let me know what you guys think.

– Larry